If I Had You
by broken87
Summary: AU. Quinn kept her baby and moved in with Rachel. The girls grow close and decisions must be made when High School's approaching its end.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters.  
**

**Spoilers: AU. Quinn kept her baby and she lives with Rachel.  
**

**A/N: I recently had a sudden itch to listen to "If I Had You" by Adam Lambert, and this was the result.**** I wrote this after coming off the personal roller-coaster that had me writing "Good Enough", so it's basically my muse's leftovers. **

**If I Had You**

I love Rachel. Everyday I'm more grateful for her stubborn personality that finally made me see just how great a person she is. Sometimes I feel she's like Maddie's second mom, that's just how dedicated she is and has been ever since Maddie was born. She's been there for us more than anyone else, from opening her home to me when we were barely friends to coaching me through childbirth, and she never asked for anything in return. She's my best friend and I love her.

But lately our friendship's been bordering on something else. We grew very close very fast and even though we knew our level of intimacy surpassed the boundaries of friendly very early on, that's what we were, and since we're both fine with it, we never saw reason to do anything differently. However, lately I've been feeling a shift, a slow paced change that I know has been happening for a while only I've refused to face it. But like an itch that won't go away, I knew I'd have to scratch it at some point.

So here we are. And what happens when two friends who feel the same way about each other are ready to acknowledge it? They usually give in. But when those two people really love each other and have had time to think about not only how it will affect their own future, but everything else as well… well, that usually brings about a few bumps on the road. Especially when those two people are very stubborn and emotional high school seniors.

"I don't get it Quinn," Rachel states exasperated, "I love you. You love me. There's not much else to think about. It's just that simple."

"It's _not_ that simple," I retort, "You just got signed Rachel. You're moving to New York this summer then going on tour."

"I already told you the apartment's paid for. You and Maddie can move in with me and both of you can go to school there," she replies, hands balling into fists in irritation. We've had this argument way too many times.

"I'm not just gonna let you pay for everything Rachel."

"Then get a job!" she exclaims. My eyes widen at her outburst, but she visibly deflates, slumping onto the couch, "I never said you had to live off me Quinn. I just want you with me."

My shoulders drop, the tension fading as I take in how vulnerable she looks and hating myself for being the cause.

"Tours don't last forever," she whispers brokenly as I silently take a seat next to her, "I just don't want to lose you. You and Maddie mean everything to me."

My heart clenches at her statement, but it only strengthens my resolve.

"You'll never lose us Rachel," I state softly, "We'll always be friends."

Her shoulders instantly tense and she looks away, eyes tightly shut and lips pursed into thin slits. I reach out to touch her, but she stands up quickly, turning to face me with fierce eyes.

"We haven't been just friends for a _long _time Quinn," she states, daring me to say otherwise.

I stare her straight in the eye, unable to lie to her, and bite into my lip, painfully aware that I'm about to bring up the worst part of this argument.

"Your career has _just_ started Rachel," I say, "You have the whole world waiting for you. Why on earth would you want to settle down now?"

A hardness that is very rarely seen glazes over her eyes. It's one that only ever appears when she's equally as angry as she is sad, and she wants to hold back the incoming outburst just as much as the tears.

"What you call settling down, I call being in love," she whispers shakily, "If you don't feel the same way, that's one thing, and I can live with it… but don't tell me how I feel or what I want."

"You know I love you," I reply just as shakily, the tears blurring her slightly from my vision, "But we'd be holding you back and somewhere down the road, you'd resent us."

"Then I'll quit," she suddenly states.

"What?"

"I'll quit the label," she says firmly.

"Don't be ridiculous Rachel," I reply, unable to hold back the scoff, "This is your _dream._ The one thing you've prayed and worked for all your life. You know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. It won't be sitting there waiting for you when you regret your decision later."

"What will it take for you to understand that you're more important to me?" she asks desperately, "Dreams change Quinn. I _know_ this is the chance of a lifetime. I _know_ how much I love singing and performing, because once upon a time that was _all I knew_," she says, dropping onto her knees in front of me and grasping onto my hands, tears running down her delicate cheeks, "I _never_ knew we'd be friends, I _never _knew I'd love your daughter as my own, and I _never_ knew I'd fall in love with you… _you're_ my dream now Quinn," she concludes, kissing my fingers ever so tenderly.

I can't speak. My chest is heaving and I can barely see her through my own tears. The thought that she loves me _that _much is inconceivable. I know it was a long time ago, but I still can't forgive myself for how I once treated her. She forgives me and she loves me, but she deserves _so_ much better than me, so much _more_, and there's no way I'm letting her give it up.

"Please don't quit the label," I beg, my voice scratchy and barely audible.

She sighs in defeat and my heart breaks further.

"Okay," she replies, nodding weakly as she lets go of my hands and stands back up, "You're still coming to the gig tonight right?"

"Of course," I reply without looking at her, "I wouldn't miss it."

She nods again and mumbles something about getting ready before walking away. I remain on the couch, crying softly into my hands and wondering if it's possible to mend this latest bruise in my heart. Knowing the answer is "no", I take comfort in the thought that Rachel will soon be living her dream. Her happiness is easily worth any pain I have to go through.

This all ages club really isn't my scene. The people, the noise, the smell, it's all too much for me. Granted a few years ago, I would've loved this atmosphere. It's the perfect place to escape reality. But my reality changed when Maddie came along and the need to escape disappeared with it. Which makes being here in the club instead of at home with her a little more than frustrating. I have to keep reminding myself that she's with the Berries, so she's safe, and that I'm here for Rachel, so I have to stay.

It helps that I'm surrounded by the gleeks, but I don't really pay them much attention as I anxiously wait for Rachel's performance to start.

Then the music fades, a spotlight illuminates the stage, Rachel's name is being announced and the club breaks into a heated round of applause as she walks out.

"Hello Ohio!" she greets excitedly, adding fuel to the cheers that show no sign of stopping.

"Holy shit," Santana lets out next to me as we gawk at the sight in front of us.

You see, I left the house earlier with Santana and Brittany to grab a table, so I had no idea what Rachel was going to wear. And though she's come a long way since the argyle sweaters and knee socks, I've never seen her dress quite like this before and the image quite frankly is breathtaking.

She's wearing black leather pants, which I highly suspect belong to Kurt, a form fitting black tank top and black high heel boots that emphasize the long legs she has (despite her petite figure). Her only added accessory is a thick black leather cuff on her left wrist, but that's quickly overlooked as I take in her gorgeous hair, which is loose and wavy and making her look just oh so seductive.

"Rachel looks hot," Brittany exclaims.

"I've never seen Berry wear so much black," Santana mutters, "She looks like a fucking rockstar."

"Wow," is all I can come up with.

A few songs into her set and I'm still awestruck. She just looks _so_ gorgeous and so in her element. This is where she belongs, on stage performing, not tied down to some high school flame that will eventually burn out.

"Is everyone having good time?" Rachel breathlessly asks into the microphone, instantly receiving another round of cheers and applause, "So this next song is kinda different," she says, "But I really wanted to put it out there tonight, so… hope you guys like it."

Her eyes lock with mine just before the music starts and I hold my breath for whatever she has planned.

_/So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather _

_And I'm doing me up with a black color liner _

_And I'm working my strut but I know it don't matter _

_All we need in this world is some love _

_There's a thin line between the dark side and the light side baby tonight _

_It's a struggle gotta rumble trying to find it  
_

_But if I had you _

_That would be the only thing I'd ever need _

_Yeah if I had you_

_Then money fame and fortune never could compete _

_If I had you _

_Life would be a party it'd be ecstasy _

_Yeah, if I had you/_

My eyes brim with tears the moment her eyes lock with mine at the start of the chorus. I should've known after the argument that she'd do something like this. It's just so like her to try to make her point through song, knowing damn well how her singing affects me. Because it does, every time. From her powerful show stopping numbers to her sweetest ballads, every time she sings, I melt._  
_

_/The flashing of the lights _

_It might feel so good _

_But I've got you stuck on my mind, yeah _

_The fashion and the stage _

_It might get me high _

_But it don't mean a thing tonight  
_

_That would be the only thing I'd ever need _

_Yeah, if I had you_

_The money fame and fortune never could compete _

_If I had you_

_Life would be a party it'd be ecstasy _

_Yeah, if I had you _

_Yeah, if I had you_

_If I had you/ _

She means it, I know she does. Because if there is one place Rachel Berry can never lie, it's on stage. No matter how good an actress she is, her performances are just too honest to be anything but real. And the weight of that realization has my heart beating heavily against my chest, blocking off the loud cheers that are too close around me as Rachel makes her way through the throng of people, her eyes fixed on me like an arrow aiming at its target.

We just stand there, staring intently at each other, fully aware that there are way too many eyes on us. She smiles softly, that special loving smile that she has only for me, and takes my hand, leading me through the crowd into a room marked "Employees Only".

"I want you," she whispers, her unyielding gaze rooting me to the spot, "I love you and I want you with me Quinn."

"Rachel," I breathe out, a weak excuse on the tip of my tongue.

She shakes her head and places a finger against my lips, silencing whatever I was planning to say. "I love you Quinn," she says again, lowering her hand to hold onto mine, "I know I say it a lot, but I mean it every time," she adds softly, gently stroking my cheek with her free hand before grabbing onto my other one. I lace our fingers together and she looks down, taking a shaky deep breath. "I _need_ you," she goes on, meeting my gaze through fresh tears, "I don't admit to needing a lot of things, but I _need_ you and Maddie with me. I _need_ you in my life. I need to come home from a tour and know you're there, waiting for me. I need to wake up in the morning with you next to me and be able to kiss you before you head to class or work."

She's trembling now, the previously confident performer gone and replaced by the rare vulnerable girl only very few people get to see. Our tears fall freely, cascading down our cheeks unnoticed but full of meaning. I take a step forward, hesitantly reaching out to hold her and she falls heavily into my arms.

"Please Quinn," she begs, wrapping her arms tightly around me, "Please believe me when I say that being a star will mean _nothing_ without you."

"Rachel," I choke out, not really knowing what to say, just knowing that I can't bear to see her so upset anymore.

"Please Quinn," she keeps mumbling into my chest, hands grabbing fistfuls of the back of my dress, "Please."

I pull her even closer, burying my face between her neck and shoulder and inhale her beautiful sweet scent, "I just don't want you to regret anything."

She just shakes her head, her pleads stopping as her sobs overwhelm her ability to speak, and it suddenly dawns on me how wrong this feels.

Ever since she got signed, I convinced myself that this was the best option, for both of us. I wouldn't hold her back, she wouldn't resent me and we'd be able to keep our friendship. It hurt, it really hurt, but I couldn't think of a better solution so I sucked it up and stuck to it, pushing her to make the so called right choice.

But how right can a choice be if it's causing her _this_ much pain? _Nothing_ should be worth her pain. So what if I'm scared we won't work out? So what if my biggest fear if losing her forever? Don't I owe it to her to at least try? Won't I regret it more just letting her go? Always wondering "what if"?

"Rachel," I whisper, placing my hands on her shoulders and pulling back just enough to look at her. Her grip on my dress tightens to the point where I'm sure her knuckles are white and her eyes are squeezed shut, refusing to meet my gaze. Her lips tremble in fear of what I'm about to say and I slowly lean forward, pressing my lips to hers in the gentlest of kisses. But it ends too quickly as her head suddenly snaps back and she stares at me, eyes wide in shock. Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but no words come out, and she brings a finger to her lip, tracing it delicately as if feeling for evidence that the kiss really happened.

"Does this mean…" she starts softly, eyes sparkling with hope.

I smile a lovesick smile that's only ever been for her and gently bring my hands to cup her cheeks.

"You were right," I whisper, caressing a cheek with my thumb, "I love you. You love me. It's that simple… the rest we can deal with together."

New tears spring from her eyes and I kiss them away before connecting our lips again. This time she responds, moving her arms to encircle my neck and pull me even closer. Hands start roaming and tongues start exploring and it all just feels right.

"By the way," I mumble breathlessly when we finally part for air, "You look _really_ hot tonight."

Rachel raises an eyebrow, looks me up and down thoroughly and pulls me into another kiss. This definitely feels right, oh so right.

The End.

**A/N: So there you go. I don't think it's as good as "Good Enough", but yeah... Any thoughts?  
**


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